Healthy Boundaries and Refusal Skills: Part 1

How can you tell if you have violated someone’s personal boundaries, and how should you let someone know that they have violated yours? There are many verbal and non-verbal cues that may indicate a boundary breach. For example, people often use facial expressions or body movements, such as backing away, turning their head, or crossing their arms, when someone has gotten too close or crossed the line.

We all have different comfort levels regarding physical closeness. We regulate the amount of space we want to maintain between us and others by setting boundaries. The degree to which we know or like people affects how close we will let them come physically and emotionally. When you feel uncomfortable in a situation, it’s important that you pay attention to how you are feeling and say “stop.” You need to let people know in an assertive way that their behavior makes you uncomfortable. Being able to assert yourself, including saying “no” to friends or acquaintances, helps people to understand your boundaries so they can respect them.

These are known as refusal skills, and they can be used to get you out of any situation that makes you uncomfortable or unsafe. Know that if you feel uneasy about being in a certain location or around a certain person, you need to let someone know and remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible. First, try using verbal cues to fix this situation. Use words like “no” and “stop.” Also use non-verbal cues to get your message across. Cross your arms over your chest to let that person know their behavior is not okay. Shake your head “no” or even physically push the person away from you to get them out of your personal space. You always have the right to say no to someone or something if you are uncomfortable in any manner. By speaking up, you are able to teach the person who is making you feel uncomfortable to respect your boundaries.

It is important to keep your personal boundaries in mind so that you will always know when someone crosses them. If someone does cross them, then it is important to voice your discomfort to keep yourself safe. If speaking up and using assertive “I” messages does not work, remember to speak to an adult as soon as possible. If you feel uneasy about being in a certain location or around a certain person, you need to let someone know and remove yourself from that situation as soon as possible.

If you or anyone you know has experience with these or other difficult situations, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Talking to a parent, teacher, counselor, family member, or other trusted adult can help you to resolve the situation before things become too difficult to control.