Healthy Boundaries and Refusal Skills: Part 1

The first step in setting your own boundaries is self-awareness. You should pay close attention to the situations in which you start to feel uncomfortable and to situations where you could potentially feel violated. To identify a potentially harmful situation, learn to “trust your gut.” If you start to feel uncomfortable or get a creepy feeling from someone, this is your body’s way of telling you that you are in a dangerous situation. Listen to your body when it tells you this and identify when and where you need more space or respect. The second step is to start setting simple but firm boundaries based on past experiences. These boundaries may be pre-set according to personal needs. For example, Jeff knows that he does not like it when people make fun of his weight. He has established a boundary for these people to stay outside of his personal barrier and to not be his or her friend.

At times, you need to be able to set a new boundary in the moment. If someone offends you or makes you feel uncomfortable, it may be necessary to let them know right then in order to protect and strengthen your personal boundaries. Let’s practice what we would say to assertively set a new boundary. Read the following scenario.

Amy is feeling very down and overwhelmed lately, and her friend Roman is, too. Roman keeps talking about how much worse his life is than Amy’s and does not give her a chance to share her concerns. Amy feels really hurt by this.

In this situation, Amy really needs to speak up and let Roman know how she is feeling. She could assertively establish a boundary so that she and Roman are each given an opportunity to speak and will feel equally respected.