Communicating in Relationships: Part 1

To be a good communicator, we should practice our communication skills and know which communication style we use. We may find that the way we communicate when we are happy or excited is much different from the way we communicate when we are angry or upset. When we are upset, it is often difficult to remember effective communication skills.

Think of a recent conflict or situation that you have had. What type of communication style did you use, and what was the immediate response of the other person? Do you think the situation was resolved in a positive way? If not, try these four tips next time you are upset and want to communicate with the person who upset you.

1. Write down what happened and how it made you feel. Or simply take a moment to gather your feelings before speaking irrationally. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and consider why he or she may have done or said what they did.
2. Ask yourself why you need to communicate and what is the intended outcome. Will it make you feel better if you share your feelings and change the behavior, or is it to hurt the other person? The purpose of communication should always be to change behaviors.
3. Pick one or two key points to address with the other person. Start with your feelings by saying “I feel” instead of placing blame. Be sure to give the other person a chance to respond.
4. Determine what should change in the future, and come to a verbal agreement to understand
   each other.

In any relationship, silence is sometimes interpreted as permission or consent. Communication of personal limits, boundaries, and/or consent must be communicated. Using assertive communication and “I” messages expresses how you feel while remaining calm and in control. Telling the person what you want or don’t want can avoid misunderstandings and assumptions. Use refusal or negotiation skills when feeling pressured. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your feelings and be assertive with your communication.